His Playfulness with Disciples

I cannot forget my first darśana of Śrīla Gurudeva. By the mercy of the devotees, I had been attracted by the unalloyed devotion expressed in his kīrtans and books. Before I knew it, I took a train from Vṛndāvana and arrived at the Sree Caitanya Gauḍīya Maṭha in Kolkata. 

On the way, I remembered the rule of thumb that the Guru and the disciple should test each other for at least one year before initiation. 

After the devotees had introduced me to Śrīla Gurudeva, he looked at me with affection and asked, “Have you taken initiation?” 

“No, Mahārāja”, I answered. Guru Mahārāja smiled softly and said, “You should take initiation.”

My heart understood; it was racing, and I could not speak. I could hardly believe it. An hour had not yet passed—what to speak of a year—and he had already accepted me. He didn’t give me a second to think. Before my mind could ponder if he is my Guru, he made it clear that I was his.  His immediate acceptance was like an overwhelming army breaking into the fort of my conditioned mind and I had no other chance than to surrender. 

There and then, I realized I am already his. It was not a question of choice but of vision. The nectar of his unconditional love healed me from the blindness of not seeing this one essential truth: that I am his. Although the official initiation only followed one month later, for me, this was my initiation.

If the best of well-wishers steals your heart, what more can you ask for? A pure devotee is beyond material time and space, and in Gurudeva’s presence, I was able to realize that I am his for eternity. Once I had accepted this, the rule of thumb of waiting for a year before initiation dissolved. I found myself in a different game with unwritten rules. And I was excited.

Out of his causeless mercy, Śrīla Gurudeva soon decided that I should stay with him and travel with him all over India. His sevāks arranged for a private darśana and asked him what my particular sevā should be. He said “You should go through all the books.” One sevāk repeated the initial question. It is quite common that study is not considered a main sevā to the institution. Guru Mahārāja reasserted, “Whatever has been published, you should study that. Bring that book!” He opened his book "Śrī Caitanya: His Life and Associates" and for half an hour, he read out loud to me with so much taste.

After receiving this instruction, I experienced increased happiness in my studies. Besides hiding in my room and reading, I was able to get some services that were more accepted as sevā to the community such as cleaning Gurudeva’s residence and kitchen, handing him prasādam during darśana times, dressing his Tulasī plant, attending to his Tulasī-parikramā, preparing his lecture venues, webcasting his lectures, and making audio and video recordings. By now, I was his personal sevāk—something I would never have dreamt of. 

Some senior devotees proposed to Gurudeva that I should accompany Bhakti Vibudha Muni Mahārāja to Venezuela to bring harināma-malas for new disciples. He agreed, and so we started to make all arrangements for our journey. The next day, after completing his daily Tulasī-parikramā in the library, Gurudeva asked me, “Are you coming to Puri with me?” 

“Guru Mahārāja,” I replied, “At that time I’m going to Venezuela with Muni Mahārāja.”

He nodded. I felt there was something deeper in his nod, but could not grasp it.

The next day, he again did his Tulasī-parikramā in his beautiful, very absorbed way. I offered him his pranām chadar, and after getting up, he turned to me and said with raised eyebrows, “Will you come to Puri with me?” 

I did not know what to say. I wished I could know what was in his heart, but he seemed not to let me know. That feeling of him playing with me was like a hurricane of bliss uprooting the dry palm tree of my attachment to transparency and security.

Almost like in slow-motion, I heard myself mumbling something about Venezuela. Gurudeva smiled slightly and walked away as if he was saying "You’re not getting it." "No, Gurudeva, I’m not getting it," my heart was calling out. I felt like a toy that has been tossed away.

As Guru Mahārāja was completing Tulasī-parikramā the next day, I thought to myself what will I say if he asks me again? If I knew the game, I could play along, but I didn’t even know what the game was! 

This time, he walked right up to me and said very strongly, “So, what is your desire?”

His powerful words entered straight into my heart. They bypassed my brain like a VIP who can just enter without any security checks. Guru Mahārāja was standing in front of me, waiting for my answer, but really he was standing in the courtyard of my heart, saying, "I don’t care for externalities. Tell me what you want in your heart!"

So, my heart leaped onto my tongue, and I blurted out like a little child. “Gurudeva, I just want to come to Puri with you!”

His eyes lit up with joy. Very affectionately, he placed his soft hand on my head and said, “Very good, very good!” As he said this, my heart seemed to explode. I prayed inside, “Gurudeva, let me be your plaything; that’s all I’m praying for.” I was no longer looking for answers and explanations. The real deal never happens in the realm of calculation and security. Being sold out to your eternal well-wisher who is taking you for a ride into the unknown is the only game worth playing.

I spoke to Muni Mahārāja and we put the preparations for our journey to a halt. The next day we got a surprise phone call from Venezuela. They told us not to come because they were all coming to India! They had unitedly collected all their money and some sold their cars and other belongings to buy the plane tickets. Such was their attraction to Gurudeva before they had even met him. 

Hearing this news, I was very happy for them. And of course, I recalled Śrīla Gurudeva’s amazing pastime in the library. Being the manifestation of the Supersoul, he knew in advance that I would not go to Venezuela and would come to Puri with him, and he took that opportunity for playing a little game. I smiled. And smiled. And smiled. Now I understood. But that was secondary. The first thing was the game. And the game will always be the first thing.

—Rādhāmādhava Dāsa

Srila Gurudev and Radhamadhav Das (in white)